Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Simple
I have questions??
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.