Simple
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yea so i messed up lol
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
This dude got his own movie?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years