The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Beauty and the Beast
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.