Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You Might Also Like
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
LOL
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT