My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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Me irl
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Ladies, why y’all do this?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors