[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*