My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO