Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath