Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
New comic up. “Ransom”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.