Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Proctology is located in A55
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Has science gone too far?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.