Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
5 ways to appear taller
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.