Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.