Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

These 3D printers are insane!

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.