soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
every college guy’s fridge
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.