soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans