priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER