Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
me when I see my crush
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.