My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.