Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.