“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Does your wife know you’re single?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.