Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“A little help here, Danny?”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Florida man
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.