Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.