[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?