I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies