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I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice