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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.