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nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you