nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
work smarter, not harder
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
#catsoftwitter
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
HOW DARE YOU
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.