We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.