@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

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@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

@krisv_723

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@JB4Realz

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

@robdelaney

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.