Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
thank god the sign was there
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*