Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
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Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Anyone want a chair?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry