I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
New tinder profile pic
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
an airline just for babies.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.