My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You Might Also Like
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Pickled cat.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Me, reading some of your tweets
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The honesty is refreshing
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months