You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
You Might Also Like
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
the answer was staring at me all along
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.