Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?