[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
What
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?