Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
What an awful time to have common sense.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
i’m sure it’s fine
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.