People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.