Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Remember folks 😂
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
oh shit
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
(True)
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun