For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!