None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
12653.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?