None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?