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A good response to any question is βwhat do you plan to do with this informationβ, especially at a McDonaldβs drive-through
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I just read a list of β100 Things To Do Before You Dieβ…
I couldnβt believe βYell for helpβ wasnβt one of them.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and itβs asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Our homeownerβs association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs donβt read email.
I accidentally replied βworriesβ instead of no worries and it was the first honest email Iβve ever sent.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Motel 6: Weβll leave a light on.
Motel 6βs Dad: You will not.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?