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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.