I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?