Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.