Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.