My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
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You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks