The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?