Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Oh yeh? Explain this then
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.