John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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Donkey Kong sommelier
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.