Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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I love art.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me in tagged photos
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno