So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on