If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.