If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍