If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does