My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.