{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
💯😂
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!