During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Just so funny
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies