*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her