why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall